you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
