apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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