New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
