Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
