My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
