The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
