Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
