well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
