I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Someone came in the potted fern
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
