he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
