I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
