a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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