Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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