but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
