I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
