I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
