Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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