singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
