Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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