The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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