I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
