So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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