i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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