hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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