I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
