apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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