new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
