Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
