True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
