haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
