i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
