I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Say something about gay babies.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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