I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
