ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
