I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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