Only a mothe r could love this liver
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
