Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
