I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
