Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
