Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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