I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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