so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
