We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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