I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
