there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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