Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
