mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
