Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
