its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
