Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
