Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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